It struck me this morning, how the trails were once lush, wet and muddy. Now the dust is like talcum and even the light steps of a dog leave lingering clouds. There are areas where the silence is broken by the shattering of leaves. The once lush green foliage, lies lifeless on the ground, to cry out one last time as it crushes under foot. My wife and I follow, as best we can, our four legged companions to the dam. Including Momo, who has now made a full recovery from his, date with death, after tasting the poison fruit of our neighbors. Again he has tempted fate and come out on top. Somehow, I don’t see him living to a ripe old age, however.
Funny how something far off and distant, can reach us through the ether and send our thoughts cascading from one thing to another. An email from a nephew perchance, detailing a summer working in Glacier National Park or wintering as a lift operator at a ski resort and the possibility of working on a ship in Sitka that does nature tours. For us, Glacier brings back fond memories of the beauty and grandeur. Alaska still lingers as a possibility, though far off in the distant future. Our dream of spending a winter in a small mountain resort has surely passed us by. It seems somehow disconcerting, that I might complete the cycle of my life without ever experiencing one complete cycle of Mother Natures wondrous seasons. Living in the tropics or big city seems to negate weather cycles as temperature is controlled by a switch on the wall.
On occasion I find myself dreaming of far off places as I did in my youth, forgetting the plodding advance of the years. Awakening to an awareness of the constrains and limitations that always exists in life, but loom larger as we age. Every step we take eliminates a multitude of other steps that we could have taken. They say you can never step into the same point on a river as it rushes resolutely to the ocean. Life seldom gives us second chances but it continually give us new chances. The prospect of breaking from the old and trying something new, can be both daunting and exhilarating. My move to the village was a monumental break from my past. We have created a blissful paradise that at times seems almost too good. We have encased ourselves in a gilded cage that shelters us from the realities that many endure. From a life unencumbered, I find myself immersed in a life of material and natural indulgence. The house, the toys, the dogs, the loving wife. When one wants for nothing, a malaise often settles in. Something about the nature of man that calls out for challenge and unfortunately even conflict at times.
I now feel an overwhelming responsibility to my wife, dogs and possessions that while I do not regret, does no less limit my freedom. We can no longer spend half the year in far off places and I must make do with day-trips on the mountain bike or motorbike. I know I made the correct choice moving here, yet the mind and spirit does at times yearn to break the bonds of domesticity and sore free and unencumbered. Finding a balance in life sometimes reminds me of my youth spent balancing on a surfboard. A moving object on a turbulent surface, where forward momentum is needed to maintain friction and remain poised and upright, with some semblance of control. Organized chaos that must remain in motion or all will sink into the murky morass.
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12 comments:
"Something about the nature of man that calls out for challenge and unfortunately even conflict at times". Exactly how I feel without the conflict but have been struggling to find the words (as usual). I've just scrambled to my bookshelf but remembered the item is packed away in the loft and has been for a few years.
Lonely Planet Guide to New Zealand !
Didn't I read that you had plans to go sometime ? I'm not sure about Alaska but you'll find Fjords as spectacular as Norway and as much skiing as you can handle. And handle it you can, A Guy with your Fitness you'll be skiing after an Hours Lesson as will your wife. You'll have to deal with Cookie but your going to have to at sometime anyway. 2to 3 weeks away won't hurt her. Maybe make the House more secure and your away. I've got my positive can do head on Today, I think its the onset of spring or atleast spring as it would be back home.
There's a fresh new fragrance in the Air this week, I think its the blossom from the mango Trees.
Can you smell it where you are ?
Interesting post, but I wonder if the 'limits on your freedom' might be more in your mind than in reality?
At least you seem to be no longer shackled by career & mortgage, which are the major problems for most of us.
After years of wanting more free time, I've now reached the conclusion that too much free time just gives me more time to worry.
(I suppose thats what I get for choosing boredom over stress!)
Personally, a few hours of mild cold weather is enough for me, so I am happy enough to steer clear of the extreme cold regions.
Anyway, while you are in this mood I can recommend a couple of movies to crystallize your thinking:
- Revolutionary Road
- Into the Wild
Have you thought about combining cycle touring with train travel? - just jump on a train and get off wherever you feel like to explore on your bike - Thailand would be a great place to try it with such an extensive train network & cheap accommodation everywhere.
hobby (nganadeelek)
Thanks for your comment.
Granted, for many the limitations they imagine are all in their head. They do sometimes lead to real limitations, however, such as you mention. I never acquired any debt in my life and steadfastly maintained a lifestyle that would allow walking away from any job. Therefore, no shackles to speak of.
Not sure about "Revolutionary Road" but I have "Into the Wild" on DVD. Interesting movie, but I'm too much of a hedonist to put myself through that kind of pain and deprivation.
I have never gotten the whole boredom argument. Being under the gun and forced to do something for money, that one would never do in their free time, has always seemed the epitome of boredom. The not knowing what to do with ones time, seems to me, to represent laziness of the mind and will, and a lack of imagination.
I have ridden trains but would probably find schedules and all, too restrictive. I prefer using my own mode of transportation with its inherent convenience and flexibility.
I guess, as with most things, even limits on freedom are relative to what one has known and come to expect.
Thanks for responding to my comment.
Regarding boredom:
I referred to my personal working situation, where I seem to have a trade off between stress(& more money) and boredom (& less money) - I chose the latter because I feel the former is detrimental to my health (I know, it's all in my head, but like they say: perception is reality...)
Revolutionary Road is a fairly recent movie, and probably not yet on 'legal' DVD - it's loosely based on a Richard Yates novel (which I have not read) - I enjoyed the film because it tackles a few themes that I'm interested in:
- loss of dreams
- grass is greener elswhere
- the happiness trap
- perception -v- reality
- conforming to society's expectations
(to name a few of the themes)
Fans of non stop action films should steer clear!
Using trains and bike to travel is just something I have been thinking about getting around to doing one day - I would not bother with schedules - just stay in a place exploring by bike until I'm ready to move on to the next place - that appeals more to me than sitting in the saddle for several hours a day travelling 100km a day like most cycling travellers do.
(I know you have indicated that you don't like reading on the net, but crazyguyonabike.com has many great journals of this type of travel)
Okay I get the whole less is more, with regard to work. Relates well with the question of working to live or living to work. I did miss your meaning on boredom, sorry to say.
Traveling to a foreign country and combining trains and bikes does have a ring of adventure to it. Living here, it probably wouldn't appeal to me, however.
I share your interest in those, afore-mentioned themes, but for the most part have already dealt with the majority of them in my own life. I am, it seems, revisiting some of them through my wife's struggles with them, as she grows and matures.
Your an interesting and provocative character for a "hobbyist". I wonder where this all ends.
So, for introductions, I've just read through your posts from start to finish over the last two days. Something about you, your style of writing, your life lived, caught my eye I guess. So I started at the end, and jumped back to the beginning, then worked by way back to here.
You have an enviable life. And from what I've read, you deserve it. You are a very interesting person. A rare soul. Could be said. I'm still trying to figure you out a bit. You write like who I want to be. Yet you come from where I am. I'm still trying to piece the two together. But still finding it more than difficult to reconcile the two, and to find my way to where you are, from where I am.
You have the dream, with the eloquence to match. Yet it's hard to find out how to make it to where you are, your piece of happiness and contentment, from this reality of messy life. I have the feeling that you were once where I am now, that you dove right in, and past blogs gives me the hint you were.
Life has a funny way about it. You can see where you want to be. Then go the opposite direction. Then find others who found the right path, and give you a bit of a nudge in the right way to go. Your steadfastness is astounding. But inspirational. I do have my doubts you were always this way. But the fact that I do kinda think you were once a little "weak" like the rest of us, but have found a solid base inside to make your life how you imagined, to be inspirational. Yeah. ok, that's a big word. But we're all just scouring the net looking for a little inspiration. Just how it is.
I don't usually have much to say, since blogging and chatting is a usually a lot of talking for the sake of nothing. But I read your 1.5 years or so posts in 1.5 days. Funny how your years worth of work can be digested in such a short amount of time. But still, it's worth it, it's out there and it gave me a great deal of enjoyment and inspiration. Most of us are needing some inspiration nowadays, and it's not often we find it so clearly laid out as here.
Boredom due to the repetitive nature of my stress free work.
I wonder where this all ends
Ultimately, I suppose it depends on whether or not one believes in reincarnation ;-)
Vagabond
Surely there can be no greater reward for a writer, than to have his words read and appreciated. To have someone give up their valuable time to read your work, in its entirety, is an amazing gift. For that gift, I humbly thank you.
It is a safe bet, to assume that I have not always been this person. The strongest steel must truly be forged from fire. My journey is not yet finished I might add and one hopes for the wisdom and understanding to continue moving forward, to becoming a better person.
There can be no static state of being until we cease to be, so there will always be moments of weakness and doubt. I possess no special powers and have surely made my share of mistakes. By not reaching for certainty or conformity, I may have left the door ajar for this life to come and find me, however.
The only inspirational words I can find at the moment are that, as little power as have over what happens around us or to us, we do possess the ultimate power of how we choose to respond.
As with the ebb and flow of life our minds wander with thoughts and dreams of greener pastures or adventures in far flung exotic lands.
Is it not one of your responsibilities to give your wife the oppertunity to experience your dreams for real or is it fair to keep them hidden, a secret not shared with the one you so love?
I can only imagine what your home is like, a tropical paradise of your own making, and the pride it must bring for you and your wife. I then imagine what it would be like with the addition of some portraits and memories captured in places and lands far away from the realities of daily life. The skills and eye you have for photography and the freedom of time to capture those stolen moments very few people will ever enjoy would surely add to your paradise and give something new to your relationship.
There is nothing like being in a foreign environment alone with the one you love and the happiness of returning to normality with the memories of a lifetime.
I don't, by any means, mean to hold you up to a measuring post and say that you have arrived, and have nowhere more to go. I realize you are just at a moment in your life, and still have a lot of learning and growing yet to do. However, from my perspective, I see where you are, and am judging myself against your progress. What would life be if we strived to arrive at a certain point, and lived "happily ever after". Obviously, we never arrive, we just are, and continue to struggle.
My only observation is that you tend to struggle a little less than the rest of us. A little less than myself, at least. You know nothing of me, and yet I know so much of you. Or at least what you put down on these pages, and what you have chosen to reveal.
I once, and still do, dream of the quiet simple life that you left the door open for and find yourself living now. And yet being the perpetual dreamer I found my little foray into thailand life somewhat destructive, both on my personal beliefs and my finances. An all to common theme, of that I am more than well aware.
I am striving for the peace of mind that will allow me to extract what is good and what I find I need from that place, but also the strength of character to forego what is not, and ultimately destructive of everything I seek to attain. I've always prided myself of having the clarity to see what I want, and the moral certainty to go after it and make it so. Recently I've found out I'm mortal, and too easily at home in the sewers so to speak. Turns out it's a little harder to clean yourself off after rolling around in the mud, than I once imagined.
I think what struck me about your writing, is that you don't come across as preaching. But rather, talking from someplace where you are quite familiar, and yet have risen above. I think it's much easier to look at the wind blowing across a rice field in the evening sun and find contentment, when you know there is nothing better, or higher, or more satisfying out there. Just over the horizon. Most people always are thinking, what if? What more? What am I missing? You have contentment which is above what most people seem to have. I can only guess, but I would say that it is because you have seen the other side of the coin, and now know the true meaning of happiness. A house. In a field. In a valley. With your trappings of happiness.
I know no one can ever truly be happy. And there is always the what ifs? I more than anyone know about freedom. I've lived out of my suitcase for the past seven years, lived in hotel rooms in 34 countries in seven years at last count, value my freedom above all else. But yet found myself one days craving a base. Somewhere to come back to every now and then. Which ultimately led to a rather unadvised condo purchase down south from you. Needless to say my attempts at putting down roots haven't gone according to plan, and hence my retreat back to the road to replenish the coffers and reprioritize the future plans.
"The only inspirational words I can find at the moment are that, as little power as have over what happens around us or to us, we do possess the ultimate power of how we choose to respond."
Funny how you quote the only thing which really makes any difference or sense in life. Your future is what you make of it. Period. Plain and simple. That's it. You are the sum of your actions.
I have always strived to bring my actions in line with my true intentions. But I think I have always hidden behind the one truth that everything I do, everything I've done, has never been done in ill will to anyone. If anyone, only to myself. I've always treated everyone around me as I would want to be treated, despite repeatedly finding that I rarely ever get the same in return.
From what I read from your posts, you say that you always were rather guarded to those around you, that you always kept a safe distance and complete control, and only started to open up with your wife. To soften so to speak. Myself, I've always been a bit of a softie, but only for the girls. and that has gotten me into more trouble than I care to speak about here in a public forum. Not as in a thailand newbie sense, as I've been here long enough to speak the language reasonably well and know the score. But more in general to all girls, thai or not. My dad was a softie, hence so am i. I've always said I shouldn't change, and yet now I find myself debating that.
Anyways, the point is that you seem to have validated for me, intentionally or not, that you can still be a caring human being with respect for your partner and people in general, with an open and introspective mind. And yet still have the iron mask on that allows you to survive in a tough world full of guys that try to drag you down to their level. If you could last most of your adult life in Bangkok and yet still emerge a caring and sensitive soul that you seem to be, then there is hope for the rest of us. Or at least for me.
Cheers,
VB
Lloyd
We have albums and computer files aplenty of our travels. Even some DVD's I've burned. On the walls, however, my wife has chosen only wedding pictures, childhood pictures of me and old family black and whites. Once thought of making a link to some of this stuff available but she said no. Splashing a bunch of personal pictures of us all over the net would most likely not have the desired effect. Best to leave some things to the imagination.
Ahh so easy you dismiss vacant ideas, travelling together when love is growing and so strong is not the same as embarking on adventures anew, even more so for those where the world at large is a new experience.
As you say "as one door closes, so another opens", its likely you have hidden artistic talents, take your musings for exaple, that may have hidden ostly dormant yet now are able to catch the first light of a new dawn, through a door possibly left ajar.
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