To Jonathan Krone,
Normally I would send you in search of the plentiful literature published on this topic, but coming from a “cross-cultural expert and professional,” I am intrigued that you are asking me to clarify. With my muse having taken leave of late, perhaps on the day, this will have to suffice as motivation to write.
“So how do Thai express affection?” On the surface that question would appear simple enough. With Thailand’s world renowned reputation as a destination for sex tourism, some might assume they are a highly sexual and affectionate people. Traditionally, however, any public display of affection is frowned upon. With the notable exception of Bangkok and some tourist destinations, that tradition continues today. Villagers by necessity are very subtile and creative, in the signals of interest they send to one another. Right now, looking out my window, are some thirty villagers involved in harvesting our neighbor’s rice. No doubt there will be stolen glances, teasing remarks, intentional bumps and the sharing of food, going on as a subtext to the job at hand.
Other than me and my wife, one will never see villagers here, holding hands, hugging or kissing. Even when they go off to Bangkok for work, it is difficult to overcome their internalized reluctance to display affection. Bangkok is, however, where many romances are begun or nurtured, away from the prying eyes of the village. The younger generation is changing but not all approve of that change. Around here, if two young people are found to have had sex, there will either be a forced marriage or the boys family will have to pay a fine to appease the girls parents and exonerate her reputation. At the same time the family may not blink an eye if she went off to work in the nightlight, yet sent money home for the family. Unable to touch in public, their humor is at times, however, quite raunchy. Such are the contradictions of Thai life. Pragmatic, with nothing being definitively black or white.
I met my wife in Bangkok so we were free of village constraints, yet it was our time in Hawaii that helped her to modify her beliefs and behavior. Observing people wearing almost nothing in public, all age groups showing affection and touching and nobody paying any attention was an eye opener, for her. Being me, a little shock therapy is always fun. I remember grabbing my wife on a walk through the park. After a groping and passionate kiss, I held her close and asked her to look around. No one was gawking at us and there were no disapproving looks. We were all but invisible to others and as this began to sink in, she kissed me back.
My wife was open to change and responded on a deep emotional level to social touching, from my parents and the friends she made along the way. I am not a scientist making a proclamation of the universality, or necessity, of human touch. People who touch more, are not necessarily better or kinder people. It did, however, make a difference in my wife’s life and development, as a more open and caring person. It is heart-wrenching to think that someone with such a capacity for caring and warmth, was denied that within her own family.
I would like to take credit, for all that my wife has become, but that would be silly. At best all I have done is provide reinforcement and a safe environment in which she could explore the world and find herself. As a work in progress, together we continue to work through some of the residual cultural fears than cling tenaciously to her subconscious. But then again, who among us has no issues at all? I just know that I am a very lucky man, that she puts up with me, while I get to witness her growth and exploration of life.
I might reiterate at this time, that we have a rather unique lifestyle here, which is not focused on integration into the cultural norm. My wife participates in customs that she enjoys or appear beneficial to others, while not making our own lives uncomfortable or disavowing our own values. If it entails loud drunkenness that often deteriorates into violence, then some way is found to meet our obligations with a minimum of participation. Many customs that are seen by most as obligatory, like the big wedding or housewarming party, have been avoided by us. In that regard we are not the best example of cross-cultural integration. We could be seen as providing an alternative lifestyle model that others may or may not approve of.
I seem to have wondered off topic here, which is not unusual for me. I am hopeful that Mr. Krone, as a cross-cultural expert, will be able to extract or extrapolate answers to his questions from my muddled reply.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Cross-Cultural Relationships ...
Of late, my posts have trended toward the tame and even pretty. So perhaps it is time to get controversial and take on a touchy subject. How does one shed a rational light on something so personal and often discussed in such emotionally charged language?
In an ideal world it shouldn’t matter what others think. People being what the are, however, tend to comment shamelessly and impose their views on others. Ranging from idle gossip to hateful prejudice, it is not always possible to avoid or ignore. From farangs, one often hears the proverbial questions about why young Thai women choose old, fat, balding Western men. From Thais it is more apt to be about why farang men like such unattractive, unsophisticated, low class women. As with most things it all depends on ones perspective which is affected by personal bias and cultural reference.
Some label Thai women, gold-diggers who are only out for the money. We have all heard the horror stories of men who lost everything in a naive bid to buy love. On the other extreme, are those who have some fanciful notion that Asian women are somehow uniquely feminine, domestic and docile. Good luck with that one. There are a goodly number of very successful relationships that dwell in the middle ground. Founded on love, respect, understanding and shared interests, a good relationship is only made richer by differences where bad ones are only made worse.
I understand that no matter what one says, people always have a long, well prepared dissertation about how their situation is different and unique. The acknowledged uniqueness of each relationship is, however, framed by cultural stereotypes and constraints. There is a history and often scars that an individual bring with them. In addition, Farang-Thai relationships will often evolve differently based on location. His country or hers, big city or village, it all makes a difference. Appearances are all important in how you are viewed and treated by others. The perceived simplicity of a different culture, often belies the complex undercurrents lurking below the surface, when you enter a cross-cultural relationship.
On the long drive to town or sitting at our dining room table, taking in the views, the wife and I have discussed this subject from time to time. After spending time with other women, she readily acknowledges that, at least in our village, a large percentage of women are fixated on money. She doubts that they hold or even comprehend her notions of love, romance and a caring relationship. This is irrespective of the Farang question. If a man has little or no money, in general they want nothing to do with him. The one exception being, if he is particularly diligent and hardworking. They will stay with a man who is doing his best to provide for his family, even if they are not comfortable or well off. Those perceived as slackers or layabouts, are kicked to the curb unceremoniously.
I don’t imagine there are many cultures, where we admire women who choose the poorest or least productive men available. Yet when they are pragmatic and look for someone who can provide for them and their extended family, which is the norm in Thailand, they are labeled as only out for the money. It hardly seems fair to hold such double standards or to think it is all directed to fleecing the foreigner.
After a failed relationship and perhaps a child or two to care for, some women take to prostitution. That is a very broad and all inclusive term that includes a multitude of subgroups that I will not go into at this time. Sitting on the floor in a hovel, with a crying child, the realities of the profession are overshadowed by the image of some neighbor wearing nice clothes and living in a big house with no financial worries. No longer a virgin, what difference does it make if I sell it, for the good of my family, is a common argument. Only a small percentage of women are able to bring themselves to act on this rational. An even smaller percentage gravitate toward Western men, with most seeking out other Asian men, with less perceived stigma. My wife was surprised to hear from a village woman, that she had been approached to go “work” in the nightlife. The procurer’s line was that Malaysian men prefer older women in their forties. The realities of the situation seemed to escape her as all she could think about was the money. I think my wife managed to talk her out of it but who knows.
Going back to the Vietnam era, there is a long standing stereotype of Isaan women and Western men, as the US military was based in that area. Fair or not it has become a firmly entrenched cultural stereotype. I have even known farangs who would not consider dating or marrying Isaan women simply because they didn’t want to be tarred with that label. They saw it as detrimental to their career or social standing with clients and friends. That was completely irrespective of the girl’s actual socioeconomic status. Interestingly one of the plusses of choosing some Western men, is their naiveté in regard to Thai culture, prejudices and values. Also, their often loudly declared lack of interest in what other people think, especially the locals.
In general men seem rather clueless about women so it is no big surprise that they can get it so very wrong in a potentially mine filled, cross-cultural relationship. They often think one grand gesture will suffice to prove their love for all time. Not realizing they are simply setting a precedent by which all future gestures will be ranked. It is never a one time item checked off a list as, “completed”. Women have a different perspective from men on this. Throughout a relationship they thrive on the knowledge that they are desirable appreciated and sought after by their man. That does not require grand gestures but rather regular or frequent ones. Small thoughtful gifts, acts or even comments are often all that is needed to reassure the heart.
Rural Thai families are often, economical at best, in their display of affection for loved ones. Romantic love, as portrayed in the movies, is not the norm in village life. Living as they do, in such close quarters, affection or romance is often limited, quiet and brief, in an attempt to keep it hidden from prying eyes. As with my own wife, hugs and kisses, were not something she experienced from her own parents. Thankfully, physical warmth and affection is something that she has grown to value and now gives freely, to friends and family. Unfortunately some women cling to what they have known and find it difficult to find that kinder gentler person that lives within.
While some Western men are able to get away with blatant disregard for the local culture they somehow don’t draw a correlation to how they are treated in return. Though I prefer to understand things in depth, I can see the appeal of not knowing and not having to deal with that knowledge. Brings to mind the notion of, ignorance is bliss. Knowing and understanding what the locals are all about does not mean one has to be, just like them. As they say, knowledge is power. Maybe not the power to change things, but the power to navigate the waters more smoothly and efficiently.
Clearly there is no simple formula for a successful cross-cultural relationship, and no one answer for the whys and hows of choosing a partner wisely. On some level I think we deserve what we get and typically would do the same things and make the same choices again and again. There are always signs but seldom the ability to read them. In the end it come down to the choices we make and how well we deal with what follows.
In an ideal world it shouldn’t matter what others think. People being what the are, however, tend to comment shamelessly and impose their views on others. Ranging from idle gossip to hateful prejudice, it is not always possible to avoid or ignore. From farangs, one often hears the proverbial questions about why young Thai women choose old, fat, balding Western men. From Thais it is more apt to be about why farang men like such unattractive, unsophisticated, low class women. As with most things it all depends on ones perspective which is affected by personal bias and cultural reference.
Some label Thai women, gold-diggers who are only out for the money. We have all heard the horror stories of men who lost everything in a naive bid to buy love. On the other extreme, are those who have some fanciful notion that Asian women are somehow uniquely feminine, domestic and docile. Good luck with that one. There are a goodly number of very successful relationships that dwell in the middle ground. Founded on love, respect, understanding and shared interests, a good relationship is only made richer by differences where bad ones are only made worse.
I understand that no matter what one says, people always have a long, well prepared dissertation about how their situation is different and unique. The acknowledged uniqueness of each relationship is, however, framed by cultural stereotypes and constraints. There is a history and often scars that an individual bring with them. In addition, Farang-Thai relationships will often evolve differently based on location. His country or hers, big city or village, it all makes a difference. Appearances are all important in how you are viewed and treated by others. The perceived simplicity of a different culture, often belies the complex undercurrents lurking below the surface, when you enter a cross-cultural relationship.
On the long drive to town or sitting at our dining room table, taking in the views, the wife and I have discussed this subject from time to time. After spending time with other women, she readily acknowledges that, at least in our village, a large percentage of women are fixated on money. She doubts that they hold or even comprehend her notions of love, romance and a caring relationship. This is irrespective of the Farang question. If a man has little or no money, in general they want nothing to do with him. The one exception being, if he is particularly diligent and hardworking. They will stay with a man who is doing his best to provide for his family, even if they are not comfortable or well off. Those perceived as slackers or layabouts, are kicked to the curb unceremoniously.
I don’t imagine there are many cultures, where we admire women who choose the poorest or least productive men available. Yet when they are pragmatic and look for someone who can provide for them and their extended family, which is the norm in Thailand, they are labeled as only out for the money. It hardly seems fair to hold such double standards or to think it is all directed to fleecing the foreigner.
After a failed relationship and perhaps a child or two to care for, some women take to prostitution. That is a very broad and all inclusive term that includes a multitude of subgroups that I will not go into at this time. Sitting on the floor in a hovel, with a crying child, the realities of the profession are overshadowed by the image of some neighbor wearing nice clothes and living in a big house with no financial worries. No longer a virgin, what difference does it make if I sell it, for the good of my family, is a common argument. Only a small percentage of women are able to bring themselves to act on this rational. An even smaller percentage gravitate toward Western men, with most seeking out other Asian men, with less perceived stigma. My wife was surprised to hear from a village woman, that she had been approached to go “work” in the nightlife. The procurer’s line was that Malaysian men prefer older women in their forties. The realities of the situation seemed to escape her as all she could think about was the money. I think my wife managed to talk her out of it but who knows.
Going back to the Vietnam era, there is a long standing stereotype of Isaan women and Western men, as the US military was based in that area. Fair or not it has become a firmly entrenched cultural stereotype. I have even known farangs who would not consider dating or marrying Isaan women simply because they didn’t want to be tarred with that label. They saw it as detrimental to their career or social standing with clients and friends. That was completely irrespective of the girl’s actual socioeconomic status. Interestingly one of the plusses of choosing some Western men, is their naiveté in regard to Thai culture, prejudices and values. Also, their often loudly declared lack of interest in what other people think, especially the locals.
In general men seem rather clueless about women so it is no big surprise that they can get it so very wrong in a potentially mine filled, cross-cultural relationship. They often think one grand gesture will suffice to prove their love for all time. Not realizing they are simply setting a precedent by which all future gestures will be ranked. It is never a one time item checked off a list as, “completed”. Women have a different perspective from men on this. Throughout a relationship they thrive on the knowledge that they are desirable appreciated and sought after by their man. That does not require grand gestures but rather regular or frequent ones. Small thoughtful gifts, acts or even comments are often all that is needed to reassure the heart.
Rural Thai families are often, economical at best, in their display of affection for loved ones. Romantic love, as portrayed in the movies, is not the norm in village life. Living as they do, in such close quarters, affection or romance is often limited, quiet and brief, in an attempt to keep it hidden from prying eyes. As with my own wife, hugs and kisses, were not something she experienced from her own parents. Thankfully, physical warmth and affection is something that she has grown to value and now gives freely, to friends and family. Unfortunately some women cling to what they have known and find it difficult to find that kinder gentler person that lives within.
While some Western men are able to get away with blatant disregard for the local culture they somehow don’t draw a correlation to how they are treated in return. Though I prefer to understand things in depth, I can see the appeal of not knowing and not having to deal with that knowledge. Brings to mind the notion of, ignorance is bliss. Knowing and understanding what the locals are all about does not mean one has to be, just like them. As they say, knowledge is power. Maybe not the power to change things, but the power to navigate the waters more smoothly and efficiently.
Clearly there is no simple formula for a successful cross-cultural relationship, and no one answer for the whys and hows of choosing a partner wisely. On some level I think we deserve what we get and typically would do the same things and make the same choices again and again. There are always signs but seldom the ability to read them. In the end it come down to the choices we make and how well we deal with what follows.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
More Thai Village Life ...
Abrupt, unexpected, unannounced, yet oh so welcome. From hot and wet, to cool and breezy. It took a few days but even the heavy morning ground fog has reappeared. Overnight it feels as if we are back into the depths of last year’s winter, Chiang Rai style. The first stiff breeze brought out children and their kites. We had our annual fishing day at a local catchment area in the fields, with a much lower turnout, as many found it too cold. Taking advantage of the beautiful weather I took the motorbike for a little outing, to the boarder town of Chiang Khong. The harvest has started in earnest as the fields seemed to turn from green to yellow, almost overnight.
Last night was Loy Krathong and where many flock to the rivers to enjoy the crowds, we stayed home. It was a lovely evening, however. Friends and neighbors, old and young, gather pond-side under a full moon and clear skies. The children played with sparklers but nothing loud or explosive. Off in the distance one could see larger fireworks from three neighboring villages. As the sky darkened we released a couple dozen paper lanterns (Khom Loy) into the heavens. The slow, lumbering path to the stars is mesmerizing and to avert ones gaze is no easy task. Later, all and sundry, drifted to the water’s edge, to float their Krathongs on the still, reflective surface of the pond.
As happens in a village, many more people arrived than were invited. Our house is known as a “dry zone” and generally “G” rated so those looking for a free drink or entertainment went elsewhere. I noticed a couple of older gentlemen who were unfamiliar to my gaze. They spent some time standing together, talking and watching the evening activities. My wife later informed me that they were there to checkout her mother. One was playing matchmaker to the other as he had recently lost his wife and was in the market for a replacement. Apparently the matchmaker had proposed sizing up the mother-in-law. This of course was not the first time this particular mating ritual has played out. Once she even got to the wedding day with guests and all, only to have a misunderstanding over the agreed upon bride price and called the whole thing off. Obviously that wasn’t the end it but this is not the time for that story.
I spent the evening, sitting off to the side with my friend Jubby, talking and watching the evening events as it gradually grew cold enough to begin turning uncomfortable. The cold temperature, and it being a school night, meant he packed up his family and got them home at a reasonable hour. The last guests didn’t linger long and even helped us clean up a bit.
Jubby and I made plans for a morning start for a much needed bike ride on the nearby trails. As I sit here writing, the fog is beginning to lift but my wife has requested that we delay our ride until noon. Today is the final day of the most recent wake and our village requires the presence of at least one family member from each household. If my wife pays her respects this morning, then she might be able to give the procession to the crematorium a miss this afternoon.
So that is village life over the last few days, but life doesn’t stop there. Tomorrow we have an appointment to get Cookie’s “oven” fixed so that we won’t have to worry about her baking a batch of little Cookies and having them running around our house, causing havoc. One Cookie is more than enough sweetness for us. While she is busy at the vet, we will have a cab fitted to the back of our truck as she is rapidly outgrowing the backseat. We have opted for the low profile, removable type cab, so the truck can still be used as a truck if need be. Quiet yet eventful, there is always something going on in our remote little house in the field.
I spent the evening, sitting off to the side with my friend Jubby, talking and watching the evening events as it gradually grew cold enough to begin turning uncomfortable. The cold temperature, and it being a school night, meant he packed up his family and got them home at a reasonable hour. The last guests didn’t linger long and even helped us clean up a bit.
Jubby and I made plans for a morning start for a much needed bike ride on the nearby trails. As I sit here writing, the fog is beginning to lift but my wife has requested that we delay our ride until noon. Today is the final day of the most recent wake and our village requires the presence of at least one family member from each household. If my wife pays her respects this morning, then she might be able to give the procession to the crematorium a miss this afternoon.
Friday, November 7, 2008
My Sunset Formula ...
A touch of rain to cleanse the canvas of dust and grime. Some lingering clouds for contrast and color. Ideally a reflective surface or perhaps some silhouetted object. A nice comfy chair and a canine companion or splashing fish. If you’re lucky, maybe even a flock of birds flying south for the winter. By all means, come early and stay late.
The best action comes before the horizon is reached, with a cloud taking center stage, or often long after the star performer has left the building. Only then are the shy yet dramatic colors, allowed to display their peacock swagger. The preceding glare leaving no room for others on the stage.
I am drawn by the bands and strands of soft-hued colors. Often only appearing to the steadfast and loyal, who refrain from rushing headlong for the exit, when the headlining main event has vanished from sight. Fight that urge to be productive and move on hurriedly to the next task.
Being in the midst of much needed chores, one often misses a chance to record a particularly dramatic or colorful event. That was the case recently but yesterday, feeling under the weather, I took full advantage of my illness to indulge my laziness and take in the sunset without interruption. Rewards are not exclusively for the fast paced movers and shakers of the world. Taking the time to turn off the noise and tune-in to the natural world around you, is often the best medicine and reward enough for any man.
The best action comes before the horizon is reached, with a cloud taking center stage, or often long after the star performer has left the building. Only then are the shy yet dramatic colors, allowed to display their peacock swagger. The preceding glare leaving no room for others on the stage.
I am drawn by the bands and strands of soft-hued colors. Often only appearing to the steadfast and loyal, who refrain from rushing headlong for the exit, when the headlining main event has vanished from sight. Fight that urge to be productive and move on hurriedly to the next task.
Being in the midst of much needed chores, one often misses a chance to record a particularly dramatic or colorful event. That was the case recently but yesterday, feeling under the weather, I took full advantage of my illness to indulge my laziness and take in the sunset without interruption. Rewards are not exclusively for the fast paced movers and shakers of the world. Taking the time to turn off the noise and tune-in to the natural world around you, is often the best medicine and reward enough for any man.
If all else fails just wait for the next day to arrive and it may just surprise you with something like this.
Monday, November 3, 2008
More Visitors ...
Our most recent visitors have come and gone. Anticipation of their arrival was too quickly followed by a lamented departure. Our feeble attempts at hospitality were overshadowed by their graciousness as guests. Late seventies and a zest for life that would put people half their age to shame. Interested in everything, eagerly clicking away with their cameras. Easy to please, as well as tolerant and accepting of me, though we no doubt hold vastly different values and beliefs. These family friends have been so giving and caring to my parents in their time of need. Nothing we could have done, would have been adequate to repay our debt of gratitude. Yet in the end, we feel as if we took away more from their visit than we were able to give.
Their path to our door was far from direct. Ranging from Bhutan to Luang Prabang, we were a, not insignificant detour, at the end of their journeys before returning to Hawaii. We crowded in as many nearby locations and scenes as time and weather would allow. Many of which I have previously shared with you in these pages. The four wheel drive was allowed to express itself and proudly wore the coat of mud that came from taking us to our many destinations.
As we prepared to leave for the airport there was just time enough for all to gather around the computer and Skype my father. I’m sure it was a thrill to hear the voices of his friends, coming from his youngest son’s home, on the far side of the world. No doubt their reunion in Hawaii will be filled with stories and pictures that will bring untold joy to my father. Sadly my mother is no longer able to share in such things as her reality varies so greatly from ours these days. Even with the best of care, dementia of any form, is a cruel, drawn out and inhumane way to leave this world.
Today things are back to normal around here. The wife and I took our dog menagerie for a stroll to the dam and washed the mud from our truck while watching a truly beautiful sunset, of desert hues. Other than our walk today, I have included views from on top of nearby Doi Yao and a couple of butterflies that had our guests eagerly clicking away in an attempt to capture their beauty.
Their path to our door was far from direct. Ranging from Bhutan to Luang Prabang, we were a, not insignificant detour, at the end of their journeys before returning to Hawaii. We crowded in as many nearby locations and scenes as time and weather would allow. Many of which I have previously shared with you in these pages. The four wheel drive was allowed to express itself and proudly wore the coat of mud that came from taking us to our many destinations.
As we prepared to leave for the airport there was just time enough for all to gather around the computer and Skype my father. I’m sure it was a thrill to hear the voices of his friends, coming from his youngest son’s home, on the far side of the world. No doubt their reunion in Hawaii will be filled with stories and pictures that will bring untold joy to my father. Sadly my mother is no longer able to share in such things as her reality varies so greatly from ours these days. Even with the best of care, dementia of any form, is a cruel, drawn out and inhumane way to leave this world.
Today things are back to normal around here. The wife and I took our dog menagerie for a stroll to the dam and washed the mud from our truck while watching a truly beautiful sunset, of desert hues. Other than our walk today, I have included views from on top of nearby Doi Yao and a couple of butterflies that had our guests eagerly clicking away in an attempt to capture their beauty.
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